Author: meversusashermans

It was Friday morning and here I was sitting at my desk at work balling my eyes out (thankfully in the office alone), for absolutely no reason, I was just emotional. I sat there thinking, what on earth is wrong with me. I back tracked through my week. On the Friday week prior I had cramping and spotting telling me AF is on her way, on Wednesday night I couldn’t even finish my glass of red wine while I struggled to eat my curry, at boot camp that morning I didn’t know whether I was going to pass out or vomit and AF hadn’t fully come to the party.

I left the office on a work errand and before you know it I found myself in a random chemist pulling a pregnancy test off the shelf, something in me made me do this however I can tell you not one part of my conscience self actually thought pregnancy was a possibility. We had had a 3rd miscarriage about 2 months prior while we were on our fertility holiday, it was early and my body got rid of it naturally so it was, believe it or not, a slightly positive experience, it meant my body was working as it should when it wasn’t really working as it should if you know what I mean.

I came back to work and did the test, 2 lines! These lines were different to any double line I had ever seen with my previous 3 pregnancies, these lines were bright, thick, instant and dark. I was absolutely stunned, I knew not to get excited by these things but this one did have me in a little bit of shock. I called my husband who was also at work. Now had I have actually thought I would get this result I would have waited and taken the test at home. He was equally stunned, I hadn’t even said anything about how I was feeling so he had no clue at all! We ended the conversation with “oh well guess we will just see what happens”. The most part of me expected to start bleeding over the weekend and miscarry so I left calling my specialist until the following week if there had been no change.

The weekend passed, my back was killing me, my boobs were sore and all spotting had stopped. I called our Fertility Clinic. I was still well aware of the fact this could end in miscarriage at any time and as we were so close to our IVF I was concerned if they knew we had conceived (even if we miscarried) we would be taken of the list for Public Funding. I called the nurse and asked the hypothetical question, “if we got pregnant and miscarried would we still stay on the schedule for IVF” she said absolutely, due to my history I wouldn’t get removed from the list until / if we hit the 2nd trimester. So I told them, I was pregnant.

Blood tests confirmed a healthy pregnancy, there was no jumping for joy in our house but there was definitely optimism. Knowing we still had IVF up our sleeve made this process so much more bearable. Dr Awesome had been away doing Aid work (does he get any more awesome), so we hadn’t spoken to him. One Tuesday night at around 9pm we get a call, it was him. He had looked though my notes as soon as he returned and saw my pregnancy. He had me straight into his office that next day for a scan, we must have been 6 weeks.

It was not long after this I started bleeding, heavily and passing tissue. The 1st time this happened we were on our annual girls weekend. I can tell you I shut that party down pretty quickly. I was convinced I was miscarrying and I’m pretty sure it was the general feeling among the group. I went home that Sunday afternoon, feeling sick to my stomach to tell my husband the baby was no more, we cried and we were angry. When the bleeding started I had contacted Dr Awesome and he had scheduled me for bloods that Monday, low and behold bloods showed a healthy reading and baby was okay. I bleed from week six to around week nine which I now know is a common happening in post AS pregnancies. Not long after that we saw the little heart beat. The 1st time we saw a heart beat was just the most amazing feeling, we had never seen a heart beat, just a lifeless sack. We feel instantly in love, I wanted to protect this little blob with all my life. Dr Awesome saw us every week  during the 1st trimester giving us scans each time and all at no charge, which I can tell you was an absolute life saver for keeping my anxiety levels at a manageable level!

When we were 10 weeks pregnant Dr Awesome passed my care over to an obstetrician who he entrusted with his own daughters, I cried as I hugged him. I was so happy to be leaving his office and start visiting another however I was so sad to leave his care, I had found so much safety in him and he was a friend. In a really nice way I hope like hell I never have to see him on a medical level again!

So here I sit with my belly punching into my desk and an alien like force kicking me from inside out, we are 25 weeks pregnant. I am still full of hesitation (hence why I have not posted this earlier), I am still very weary of getting ahead of myself. I take non of this for granted, and I’m shitting myself it will all end in pain. But its all part of it, I have so far had an uncomplicated pregnancy (aside from the very early scares). Our Obstetrician says if this 2nd half is as good as the 1st we are doing well. I cant even express how grateful and thankful we are to be in this position. We were weeks away from starting IVF! My h-band and I often look at each other and just say “how the hell, is this really happening”.

The fear of loosing this pregnancy brings with it irrational anxiety. During pregnancy your body changes, there are always new aches and pains and feelings, and with each one comes total over analyzing, ‘what’s that, somethings wrong, what does this mean, why do I feel that’. Don’t get me wrong, I know the importance of staying calm and rested for this baby. I’m not rocking in a corner or pacing the lounge at night I just think into things a little too much. I think its a natural response being what we have been through to get here but ill be glad when we are holding our little Butterbean safe and sound in our arms.

We have so many people to thank for being in this situation, mainly Dr Awesome of course but for me my husband, for his patience and never faltering support, he is a gem and I know some men would have struggled with everything we have been through. He never stopped making me laugh and he never stopped loving me……. lets hope the same can be said after a week of no sleep lol.

 

 

 

Well well well its been some time huh! I wont apologise because my lack of blogging is a good sign for me. You see I have been knee deep in enjoying life with no fertility treatments, something I have called my “fertility holiday”. No tests, no treatments, no appointments……. bliss!

I found my balance, while yes I still think about being belly-less every day that passes I can kind of push it to the side knowing we have a plan in place. I was not on the roller coaster because I have not been anxiously waiting & hoping every month for that BFP. I stopped tracking my cycle, I was not counting down the days. My h-band and I were not being told when and how to “enjoy our marriage”.

I have been the happiest in these last 6 months that I have been in the last 4 years and I strongly feel I can say the same for my husband. Life feels good. which ironically makes for a bloody boring blog!

The “pre-tests” for IVF have started with blood tests and specimen samples along with the paperwork to fill out. One thing we have been grateful for is the fact this is all publicly funded. I am in chat groups with other ladies from around the world who on top of the emotional pressure also have to deal with the financial burden or the joy of liaising with insurance companies.

I am so grateful for this “fertility holiday” before heading into IVF. I am so much stronger and more prepared than I was 6 months ago. Of course we are open to the fact that this is not a sure fire thing, we have a world of possibilities in front of us but we are ready!

 

Throughout my previous blogs I have made reference to fertility drugs, specifically Clomiphene also known as Clomid. Clomid is a small pill taken for 5 days generally from day 3 or 5 of your cycle. In basic terms it sends messages to your brain, causing the pituitary gland to release hormones needed to stimulate ovulation, aiming to make your body throw out eggs left, right and centre.

All of the Clomid cycles I have completed have been monitored by my fertility specialist which is standard procedure, these included blood tests before ovulation, follicle monitoring via internal scans in order to time intercourse to the day and blood tests after ovulation. I have done 6 of these cycles, each time having outstanding results but due to my AS all were unsuccessful. Unfortunately someone close to me is about to have their own experience of Clomid (I say unfortunately because I wish she wasn’t going through what she is going through not because Clomid is such a horrible experience) and I have been in two minds as to whether I should share this, I don’t want my experiences to influence her thoughts or perceptions.  Everyone reacts to things differently. For me it was a roller-coaster of out of control emotions and one I can look back at and laugh and cringe all at the same time, sometimes I wonder how I haven’t been served divorce papers yet! I hope if someone is going through something similar with out of control emotions they will read this and find comfort in the fact you will pop out the other side and life will still be as you left it and you will be smiling.

I will be the 1st to admit I can at times have a short little fuse, I thought I had anger issues until I experienced Clomid. WOW! My h-band will back me up on this, I was a total head case. I would be as sweet as pie one minute and totally flying off the handle the next, slamming doors, crying hysterically thinking the world was ending. And you know that old ‘I know I’m being ridiculous but I cant stop myself’ situation, where you get even more angry and upset with yourself because you cant control it, yep that was me. The anger that built up in me from no where was scary, hence my nick name Hulk. My husband and I would use it as code, every cycle when I could feel the green in me starting to breakthrough my clothing I would simply say “hulks coming” he knew to take cover for a couple of days. I also used a picture of the Hulk as my screen saver on my phone so every time I looked at it I mindfully kept myself in check (that was actually a really helpful tool). I would cry literally over spilt milk. I remember one time I found myself sitting outside in the rain balling my eyes out in my PJ’s, I cant even tell you why or what it was about. If anyone had have happened upon me in that instance I think I would have been swiftly relocated to somewhere with padded walls and locked doors. Thank god I have the ability to laugh at myself!

Although this lack of control on my emotions was from my option the worst part it wasn’t the only down fall of this treatment. One morning (clearly not during a hulk episode) my h-band kindly pointed out that “perhaps I should make a trip to the shop and get something to sort that mo out” after laughing hysterically and pretending that I couldn’t give too hoots I ran and looked in the mirror and sure enough there it was, a shadow hovering above my top lip, great!

There are physical side effects but they are reasonably minor and don’t hang around for too long, Clomid basically makes you fat, sore, hot and not able to sleep. But the whole fat thing is purely just bloating and its away in a few days, generally at the same time as the lack of emotional control disappears so life starts to look manageable again.

Everyone would have different experiences on this treatment and whilst I’m glad I don’t have to take it anymore I’m shitting myself for what will happen if I get to the IVF stage and all the drugs they throw into you, I may have to build an underground bunker to hide in for a week or so, i’m not sure anyone will be safe otherwise!

I’ve been feeling a little disheartened lately, hence the lack of blog. I feel ashamed and awkward, I feel like I am being weak and pathetic, that people must be thinking “gees girl get over it”. Of course no one has said anything of the sort and I continue to get amazing support, I just feel like everyone’s lives are flowing along and mine is just stuck. And surely that comes down to me right? Its up to me to un-stick it but how? The one thing that I know will get my life un-stuck I have no control over so I must need to re-focus, move on regardless but that means reassessing my life and what I want out of it, how do I do that?

I have tried to understand or find reasons as to why, as a very good friend of mine puts it, “some ladies just have to lay their knickers on the bed and get pregnant” and others are not so lucky. I throw myself between the fact that shit happens for no reason, to perhaps its payback for something horrible I have unknowingly done at some point during my existence to the thought that I’m cashing in some shitty years now meaning I have some amazing ones ahead of me (I like that one the most).

I do believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason (lots of people tell me this is fate) but I’m struggling to see the reason, if it was to teach me a lesson about patience, okay lesson over already. If its to teach me about the women’s anatomy consider me taught, I know way too much about my body now, if its to strengthen my marriage I can honestly say its unbreakable, if its to weaken my friendships and make me a recluse job done!

When a situation is out of your control and seemingly out of anyone’s control its frustrating, it doesn’t matter what you do, you cannot fix it so you have to learn to live with it until something happens, in our case until we get the BFP (big fat positive) or until we make a decision. Until that point a huge part of your life is on hold and totally swallowed up by the situation.

I have used the therapy of distraction, some distractions have hung around, some have not. My distractions are extremely varied and in hind sight make me laugh! I have a box of candle making equipment in the garage that needs to be binned (I did make some candles and some very unfortunate people got them as gifts), I have committed to 2 – 3 years of time consuming study which I regret on a daily basis, I have a coloring book that doesn’t even have 1 completed picture, I keep signing up to runs and sporting events (which is of course a good thing, although my knees don’t agree). But while I enjoy all these new distractions I try it never stops the mind or makes the time go faster, it doesn’t give me the answers to my questions.

So what do I do? Keep living the way I’m living and feeling the way I’m feeling? Accept it and move on? I know we have IVF at the end of the year if things don’t happen before then but we cant put all our hopes on that, there is still no guarantee. Wish I just knew what was going to happen either way so I can move forward instead of standing still.

 

 

The last three years have been quite a journey for my daughter and her husband.

I remember when my daughter lost her first baby. I knew what she was feeling; I had lost a child too. I knew she would be grieving for this baby and was so excited for her when she very quickly fell pregnant for the second time.  I began to worry when she lost the second baby.

And then everything changed, we wondered why and thought it strange.

It seemed as they just had to look at each other for the first two pregnancies and now nothing. Abnormal periods, lots of pain and no baby. Although for us it seemed to be a point worth investigating it appeared to be of no concern to the various medical professionals they saw along the way. It wasn’t until the fertility specialist came on the scene that they began to get some answers and started making sense of where they were at.

I remember how relieved my daughter was when they finally had a diagnosis and she understood that her inability to conceive was no fault of hers.

I am grateful that she has always willingly shared her journey with me, I listen as she  talks about her frustrations, disappointments’, and sadness. About her desire to have a child and about the possibility of not being able to conceive.

I listen and feel so helpless.  This is one hurt a mother – or anyone else – for that matter, cant fix.

My daughter is an adult now with a wonderful husband who stands right beside her. When she needs me, I am here.

Mostly I think it’s about listening, encouragement, and just being there.

While I have no doubt that baby, baby, baby is in the fore front of her mind constantly, we have had lots of precious mother and daughter time.  Just hanging out – movies, coffees etc.  Doing normal everyday things. Although we have never discussed it I think we both agree that there has to be a balance in life and that although pregnancy is right up there you still need to enjoy these times together.

I have seen her struggle with her own failure to conceive and the genuine joy she feels for her friends as they begin their families.

I have seen how her friends struggle with not quite knowing what to say or how to be there for her.

I see how my daughter trusts her intuitions about what is happening in her body and has been proactive about seeking answers. There were several times when she felt treatment had not been effective and went back for more tests instead of waiting the three months or so that was often the advice after treatment.

She has been right every time and this has saved precious time as she travels this path of infertility.

There are times when she retreats from the world, when our daily contact is reduced to a single word text reply or we have a very short conversation or no response to my calls and texts at all.

Or there is the other extreme where it’s all go, when she is very busy, bubbly and lively.

Then there are the fertility treatments – not much fun………….. she is up and down –  all over the place.

One extreme to the other – but then that pretty much sums up this journey.

Pregnant – Miscarriage!

Pregnant – Miscarriage!

Diagnosis – Treatment

Scarring all gone – Some scarring left behind

All scarring gone – Suspected Endometriosis …………………….

We had a laugh the other day when she joyfully told me her period had arrived.

Ironic when you’re trying to get pregnant and you’re happy when your period comes.

It was the first normal period she had had in three years!

I know my daughter would agree with me when I say that along the way there have been some wonderful blessings. The genuine love and concern so many people show. The support she has at work and the wonderful fertility specialist she now has. One day, baby or no baby I’m going to give that man the biggest hug!

He has been a rock for my daughter and her husband in a way no one else could. He has provided professional, honest, compassionate and practical support.

And then there is her husband, he is right there with her, every step of the way. Generally speaking it’s been my experience that men are doers , not talkers and it must be so hard to have to watch all this unfold and not be able to fix it. I’m sure at times he must feel very lonely, disappointed and angry at the situation.

The outcome of this journey is still uncertain but I’m not ready to entertain the possibility that my daughter and her husband’s dream of having a family won’t come true. It’s looking more positive every day – one day my daughter will hold that precious baby in her arms – I know it.

Sometimes I feel like the hunted victim out of the Hunger Games or a lonely gazelle roaming on the Serengeti. Upon leaving the safety of my home there seems to be a gang of new born baby’s and big beautiful belly’s perfectly positioned around every corner just waiting to pounce. Murphy’s law has it that on the days I feel the worst the more babies and belly’s there are out and about serving as a constant reminder as to why I woke up just a little bit sad that morning.  I don’t want to sound like a heartless bitch, obviously I LOVE babies and take my hat off to pregnant ladies but sometimes (actually all the time) I just want to escape the reality of my inability to do what these ladies do so well.

One thing everyone in my position will have is a loaded answer all ready for the questions,  “oh no babies yet” or the “so when are you guys going to start your family?” and the classic “don’t leave it too long”. My answers have varied from “we have decided not to have children” which I learnt prompts more questions than silence, so my more common answers are “oh we are too busy for children, we will when we have time” and the classic and more honest “oh when the time is right”. I personally leave the house on guard prepared for these questions because the last thing you want is to burst into tears in the supermarket while spitting out a bullshit excuse as to why you are not pushing a pram, straight jacket alert!

In saying that I have shed many a tear in the supermarket (have you ever noticed how many kids there are at a supermarket), one day in particular I bumped into two ladies I knew, both beautifully pregnant and happy, boom boom one after the other, I could not keep myself together. I left the trolley where it was, headed straight for the wine isle and left with wine bottle firmly gripped in my clenched fist.  Another time I actually had a lady place her hand on my belly and congratulate me on my pregnancy and no, not because she had heard a rumor but because she genuinely thought I looked pregnant! I was actually having a really good day, I had an xmas shopping list that I was ticking off and was absorbed in tasks, this one caught me well off guard. I wanted the floor boards to open up as I am sure she did also, poor lady she must think me very unstable and obviously a little fat…….. more gym less wine this means!

On the flip side to this there are the odd moments when i’m walking through the supermarket and I see those little shits fighting to get lollies in the trolley, following through with a full blown tantrum when they don’t get their way, or the kids that are screaming the place down and mums able to just ignore the ear piercing volume and I think “oh thank god i’m not in your shoes love”.

I’m back, no I wasn’t hibernating from this blog, unfortunately I had an assignment to do so that took priority (yes study, just part of a very long list of distractions I have given myself).

I will pick up where I left off from my post “trust your instincts”, this is the other part of the informative yet somewhat boring stage of this blog.

We had our diagnosis thanks to our instincts and Dr Awesome listening to us. What I needed now was surgery to remove the adhesion’s, this is done by an operative hysteroscopy, just like the original hysteroscopy I had but adding in general anesthetic and some micro tools. Of course we wanted Dr Awesome to preform this surgery but the cost of doing so privately was beyond us, I was referred back to the original hospital that did the D&C’s and the miss diagnosed tests. This time I did my research on the surgeon I was assigned to, thankfully I had been listed under the head Gynecologist and his side kick so while I wasn’t being operated on by my preferred Dr I got the best on offer. I will never forget our 1st meeting with the Surgeon, my husband and I called him Dr Smiley, he smiled the whole time and while I realize he was being pleasant it looked as though he was going to burst into song and laughter at any minute. Even when he was explaining the possible bad outcomes of the surgery he had this ridiculous grin on his face while i’m sitting there in tears. When ever he explained anything to us about the surgery he would look at us with this big smile and say “so what do you think about that then” I wanted to scream at him and reply “I think its fukn shit, that’s what I think about it”. He must have asked about 10 times during a 20 min consultation. I eventually said something along the lines of “well it really doesn’t matter what I think, I have no idea about this surgery, your the professional, just do what you need to do”.

So after a few more months passed we got the surgery date, so on went my lucky socks and my greenstone and in we went. I was nervous of what I would wake up to but being I had had general anesthetic 3 times already I wasn’t worried about that side of it. Some people don’t like it, I really don’t seem to mind it at all. I wouldn’t say I love it but its a nice feeling those few seconds drifting off. Anyway the surgery took 1.5 hours, longer than they expected. I went home that evening to the comfort of my own bed and the love of my h-band and dog. The pain post surgery was very manageable, probably the most discomfort was the ache in my pelvic bone area, sounds weird I know but i’m guessing from it all being clamped open for so long? I don’t know but it was just an achy bruised feeling. In the grand scheme of things it was fine. I had a couple of very low key days with cramps but it was a very quick recovery. It must have been around 1 month post surgery we went back in for a follow up appointment with Dr Smiley, between you and me he did say that he couldn’t believe the Asherman’s hadn’t been picked up during my 1st hysteroscopy with his colleague, it was so glaringly obvious. He showed us before and after pictures, he was very pleased with his work and it certainly looked like he had done a great job. With this surgery its so delicate and the risk of accidentally cutting through your uterus wall is very high. The surgeons are guided by a camera and using tiny tiny micro scissors they cut away the adhesion’s. Not only do they need to cut through the center of them to separate the walls of the uterus they also need to cut away all the left over bits of flesh flapping about being VERY careful to not destroy the lining in the process. I can only imagine its a fidley bloody job and as I say what he did do was done very well. He finished the appointment saying “okay well good luck, if your not pregnant in 6 months time make an appointment to come back and see me”. I could not believe after everything that had happened he actually thought a. that its correct practice to not do a follow up hysteroscopy or HSG and b. that he thought I could actually do that, after the already years of crap! I walked out like a stunned mullet to be honest. I should have said “no, I want a follow up test” but again when you are not the professional you doubt your thoughts.

So back we went to Dr Awesome with all my surgery notes who without saying anything I could see on his face he also thought it odd there was no follow up scheduled. So I monitored my next few cycles, while there was a definite improvement on my periods it still wasn’t right. Along with Dr Awesome’s support we went privately for another HSG. Sure enough it showed up a reasonably large section of adhesion’s Dr Smiley had missed. I was devastated. The thought of having to go through all this again!

After some guidance we figured out that if we got transferred to the hospital that Dr Awesome worked out of he could pick up my case and preform the next surgery. I wrote a letter stating my case and pleading with my current hospital to release me from their care and request Dr Awesome handle my care. To be honest, with my case I was pleading there was not a lot of room for them to disagree. Part of me felt bad, I was basically saying they were not good enough but I just felt we had been let down time and time again, we were talking about the likely hood of us having a family, it is so important to us so we couldn’t take it lightly! We needed confidence and we weren’t feeling that.

As you can imagine it took some time for the transfer to go through and my next operation to be scheduled. But once it all went through I was being operated on by Dr Awesome and it wasn’t costing us a penny. I felt so comfortable and confident and safe.

So again on went the lucky socks and greenstone. In order for him to get a clear opening I was given these pills about an hour before surgery to open up my cervix. I had had a small dose of these before my D&C’s but nothing like this. I can only explain it like it felt like someone was ripping my pelvis apart and all my insides were going to fall out. I was in so much pain, they were pumping morphine into me and it wasn’t even touching the sides of the pain, by the time I went in to the surgery I was as high as a kite. I felt like a big girls blouse but holy crap, is that what child birth is like? I wonder if the pain was worse due to the adhesion’s and I also wonder had Dr Smiley used this method to open up the access perhaps he wouldn’t have missed the section he did.

When I came around from surgery, all I could feel was that immense pain, it was still there, I screamed as I woke up instantly clutching my pelvis. Luckily the nurses were there throwing more morphine in my arm quicker than I could register what was going on. Needless to say I didn’t go home that night which I think my husband was relieved about. In my mind I thought I was going home as soon as I saw him but the reality was I was so high on pain killers I couldn’t walk let alone go home. He took one look and me and said “ahh na your not coming home with me”.

Dr Awesome called my husband straight after surgery and told him surgery had been a great success and he was so very happy with the outcome. We scheduled a follow up with him at the fertility clinic a few weeks after surgery. We were happy and I was excited at the thought of no more surgeries and no more belly-less me!

The mind is a scarily powerful thing, sometimes too powerful for my own good! I cannot tell you how many times I have convinced myself I was pregnant. There is a very fine line between being positive and getting your hopes up and those lines get blurred so easily, regardless how much the realistic self tries to control your thoughts.

Its like a battle that goes on in your head (and only in your head, god forbid if you actually voiced your thoughts and exposed your true insanity), the hopeful self sits on your left shoulder and see’s every single sign and even signs that aren’t there and puts it down to pregnancy while the realistic self sits on the right shoulder and explains away every irrational thought.

Towards the end of the two week wait (2ww) I become obsessed with the bathroom. Not because I love spending time in there, but because the hopeful self wants to prove that Aunt Flo (AF) isn’t here, of course not because I’m pregnant, but the realistic self wants to get the pain over and done with because it knows its coming. There have been months during this 3 years battle that we have not be ttc, mainly when I have been in between surgery’s and those months are bliss, of course the sadness of being baby and belly-less is still there but you just haven’t boarded the roller-coaster that month so there are no shattered expectations. Then there are the months of endless trying on our own and the months of trying with fertility drugs. We have just completed our last cycle using fertility drugs and once again I have been smashed back down to reality. This was by far the hardest reality check thus far. To me this was the last chance saloon before IVF. I want to scream, WHY THE FUCK has it not happened. I have a uterus that is apparently scar free, I had a wonderful lining and 2 massive follicles which ovulated and my h-band has Olympic swimmers, what more do we need!!!!

While I lay in bed this morning balling my eyes out my h-band made me laugh out loud, only he could do that.

True to form I will now go into hibernation like a bear in winter, however I will surface just long enough to buy a new dining table.