where, when & what we ate

I can tell you the exact details of when we 1^st conceived, of course I know you don’t want exact details so I will side step the gory ones. The reason I remember it so well is it was one of those perfect (or so we thought) conceptions. It was the first time my husband and I had unprotected sex. It was the morning after our wedding, we had stayed in a beautiful boutique B&B not far from where we wed, it was a Sunday morning in December 2012 and we enjoyed a full cooked breakfast afterwards. Don’t get me wrong we were certainly not rolling around on rose petals, we were hung over, what was left of my wedding makeup was well and truly smudged thoroughly over my face and I had a million bobby pins littering my hair. We went away on honeymoon for 2 weeks then came home to a beautiful positive pregnancy test.

It’s funny, when I look back now I knew NOTHING about fertility, I just knew when google told me I would ovulate (turns out in that instance google was bang on).

When we got that 1^st positive pregnancy test we were happy of course but looking back I had no conception really of what we had achieved, I took it totally for granted; it never once crossed my mind before we started trying that it may not go to plan. Before I knew it I was planning in my mind what the baby would wear home from the maternity unit.

I also remember the 1^st miscarriage just as clearly. I was woken up suddenly in the middle of the night with a pain that shot straight through my abdomen, it hurt but it was over as quick as it had begun, I contemplated waking the h-band up but put it down to the perfect forming of a baby implanting further into my lining. I blissfully went back to sleep. Unfortunately over the next week I had no bleeding, my boobs were still sore and my body was still telling me I was pregnant. I was around 5 weeks pregnant when it happened but it was a week or so later I was at the Dr’s for a routine check-up. I must have mentioned the cramps I had been having and he sent me for blood tests and ultra sounds. Nothing was seen on the ultra sound but my blood test was showing the pregnancy hormone was present just not at a normal level. I was rushed into hospital with suspected ectopic pregnancy (when the pregnancy finds solitude in one of the tubes). I felt totally fine and still had had no bleeding at all during the pregnancy so when the hospital demanded I be taken everywhere in a wheel chair I really thought this is over the top. I was in hospital for 3 days. They did a laparoscopy and confirmed I was not having an ectopic pregnancy but the pregnancy I was carrying was not viable. I was sent home to miscarry naturally. I went home and when 2 weeks later I had still not miscarried on my own I was booked in for a D&C (Dilation & Curettage). I think my body wanted that pregnancy so bad it didn’t want to let it go, this is in medical terms known as a missed miscarriage, the pregnancy discontinues but your body doesn’t flush it out and because of this you keep producing the pregnancy hormone so you can go on thinking your pregnant until you go for that dreaded 1st scan.

A D&C is the removal of tissue from your uterus, this can be for ladies that have exceptionally heavy periods, miscarriage or retained placenta post birth to name a few. I imagine all situations are slightly different and I can only comment on mine. All I can say is I wish I knew then what I know now, that isn’t possible so what I wish in reality is that when the Dr’s booked me in for a D&C there was someone there that explained all the pros and cons to me and went over in detail the other options.

A D&C is performed under general anesthetic, you are given medication to open up your cervix which makes you cramp and you can feel things moving around and expanding until that delightful anesthetic takes over. Because your asleep you are none the wiser as to what goes on but these procedures are so common and I hate to say it but your literally on a conveyor belt. Mine took about 15 mins of actual surgery. As far as I understand they used to scrape the uterus out with a tool but they now suck the remains out – apparently it’s safer. I woke up in recovery to a young bouncy Dr that had performed the D&C saying I may need to stay in as the suction was set to high and they were concerned about damage they may have caused. There are 2 things that are wrong with this situation, 1. I’m in recovery and trying to get my shit together from the anesthetic and 2. I have no idea what she means by damage, I was no uterus expert!

A while later once I had finished my ice block (which anyone who has had surgery knows how amazing those ice blocks are) the same young bouncy Dr came back and said “I have spoken to my manager and they said you are totally fine to go home, we don’t need to keep you in but if you have heavy bleeding or unmanageable cramps call us”. I went home.

I was constantly reminded by those closest to me that “miscarriages are so common, especially 1^st time pregnancies” and “millions of women go through these, you’ll get pregnant again and it will be a distant memory”. I don’t doubt any of these statements, in-fact I agree with them all however, word of advice, it’s really not that helpful – well I don’t believe so anyway. You may as well say “get over it love, it’s not a big deal”. The ironic thing is considering it’s “so common” it’s a bloody lonely little place. While I’m on the dishing out advise train I can tell you at some point a lady that has had a miscarriage will beat her-self up about it, she will feel totally responsible and back track every single thing she did and probably find something to blame it on, she will do this all on her own, you really don’t need to help by saying things like “oh your too stressed, you need to relax”, “you work too hard it’s no wonder”. All of these things are said with the VERY best of intentions, they all come from those that love you and want to help you so you must bite your tongue and smile and say thanks. I would say the exact same things had I been on the other side of this fence without the experience. We all know these things happen against our control, although we do it we should not spend even 1 second blaming ourselves.

I had no issues that following month after the D&C, I had minimal bleeding which I now know wasn’t a good thing, my body adjusted quickly and before I knew it I was 100% not pregnant and ready to roll again!