power of the mind

The mind is a scarily powerful thing, sometimes too powerful for my own good! I cannot tell you how many times I have convinced myself I was pregnant. There is a very fine line between being positive and getting your hopes up and those lines get blurred so easily, regardless how much the realistic self tries to control your thoughts.

Its like a battle that goes on in your head (and only in your head, god forbid if you actually voiced your thoughts and exposed your true insanity), the hopeful self sits on your left shoulder and see’s every single sign and even signs that aren’t there and puts it down to pregnancy while the realistic self sits on the right shoulder and explains away every irrational thought.

Towards the end of the two week wait (2ww) I become obsessed with the bathroom. Not because I love spending time in there, but because the hopeful self wants to prove that Aunt Flo (AF) isn’t here, of course not because I’m pregnant, but the realistic self wants to get the pain over and done with because it knows its coming. There have been months during this 3 years battle that we have not be ttc, mainly when I have been in between surgery’s and those months are bliss, of course the sadness of being baby and belly-less is still there but you just haven’t boarded the roller-coaster that month so there are no shattered expectations. Then there are the months of endless trying on our own and the months of trying with fertility drugs. We have just completed our last cycle using fertility drugs and once again I have been smashed back down to reality. This was by far the hardest reality check thus far. To me this was the last chance saloon before IVF. I want to scream, WHY THE FUCK has it not happened. I have a uterus that is apparently scar free, I had a wonderful lining and 2 massive follicles which ovulated and my h-band has Olympic swimmers, what more do we need!!!!

While I lay in bed this morning balling my eyes out my h-band made me laugh out loud, only he could do that.

True to form I will now go into hibernation like a bear in winter, however I will surface just long enough to buy a new dining table.