I’ve been feeling a little disheartened lately, hence the lack of blog. I feel ashamed and awkward, I feel like I am being weak and pathetic, that people must be thinking “gees girl get over it”. Of course no one has said anything of the sort and I continue to get amazing support, I just feel like everyone’s lives are flowing along and mine is just stuck. And surely that comes down to me right? Its up to me to un-stick it but how? The one thing that I know will get my life un-stuck I have no control over so I must need to re-focus, move on regardless but that means reassessing my life and what I want out of it, how do I do that?
I have tried to understand or find reasons as to why, as a very good friend of mine puts it, “some ladies just have to lay their knickers on the bed and get pregnant” and others are not so lucky. I throw myself between the fact that shit happens for no reason, to perhaps its payback for something horrible I have unknowingly done at some point during my existence to the thought that I’m cashing in some shitty years now meaning I have some amazing ones ahead of me (I like that one the most).
I do believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason (lots of people tell me this is fate) but I’m struggling to see the reason, if it was to teach me a lesson about patience, okay lesson over already. If its to teach me about the women’s anatomy consider me taught, I know way too much about my body now, if its to strengthen my marriage I can honestly say its unbreakable, if its to weaken my friendships and make me a recluse job done!
When a situation is out of your control and seemingly out of anyone’s control its frustrating, it doesn’t matter what you do, you cannot fix it so you have to learn to live with it until something happens, in our case until we get the BFP (big fat positive) or until we make a decision. Until that point a huge part of your life is on hold and totally swallowed up by the situation.
I have used the therapy of distraction, some distractions have hung around, some have not. My distractions are extremely varied and in hind sight make me laugh! I have a box of candle making equipment in the garage that needs to be binned (I did make some candles and some very unfortunate people got them as gifts), I have committed to 2 – 3 years of time consuming study which I regret on a daily basis, I have a coloring book that doesn’t even have 1 completed picture, I keep signing up to runs and sporting events (which is of course a good thing, although my knees don’t agree). But while I enjoy all these new distractions I try it never stops the mind or makes the time go faster, it doesn’t give me the answers to my questions.
So what do I do? Keep living the way I’m living and feeling the way I’m feeling? Accept it and move on? I know we have IVF at the end of the year if things don’t happen before then but we cant put all our hopes on that, there is still no guarantee. Wish I just knew what was going to happen either way so I can move forward instead of standing still.
Me Versus Ashermans 
I really feel for you Kat, and can understand your frustration.I believe in fate too, and everything happens for a reason. Often, at the time, the reason for something is not clear, and it may be quite some time before you get to understand why it has been that way. You are so right, that you have no control, but your mindset has control over the physical. Hard as it seems, the more you fret and stress about something, the more of a barrier you create. If you can train yourself to let go what you can’t control, the better your head space will be. You are a very strong and intelligent woman with a wonderful supportive husband, and now you must look after your emotional intelligence. Don’t fall into the trap of negative thinking, tell yourself to let go and just go with the flow. It takes time to do this, but you will be much better equiped to deal with life’s shitty deals when you do. It’s a lesson I had to learn and it makes you so much stronger when you do. Kat, I love you and I’m with you every step of the way. If you ever feel like talking, remember I’m here.
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Dear Pam, thank you so much for not only taking the time to read my blog but also taking the time to reply. I am so grateful for your words, they really rang true. I agree with the positive mind theory, sometimes we can be so dragged into negative head space its hard to find our way back out. Since reading your comment I have been in two minds whether to continue my blog, simply because I wondered if writing the blog was making me focus on my negative thoughts and feelings. Writing is therapeutic for me but not if its all ‘doom and gloom’. I have so much to be thankful for and although I don’t ignore those things perhaps they deserve more mind focus than they get. I have decided I would like to continue to share my experiences, the funny, the sad, the exciting and the weird. I am working and I think improving my positive mind and I have you to thank for that so THANK YOU! Thank you for your support and guidance and of course love x
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