the incredible hulk

Throughout my previous blogs I have made reference to fertility drugs, specifically Clomiphene also known as Clomid. Clomid is a small pill taken for 5 days generally from day 3 or 5 of your cycle. In basic terms it sends messages to your brain, causing the pituitary gland to release hormones needed to stimulate ovulation, aiming to make your body throw out eggs left, right and centre.

All of the Clomid cycles I have completed have been monitored by my fertility specialist which is standard procedure, these included blood tests before ovulation, follicle monitoring via internal scans in order to time intercourse to the day and blood tests after ovulation. I have done 6 of these cycles, each time having outstanding results but due to my AS all were unsuccessful. Unfortunately someone close to me is about to have their own experience of Clomid (I say unfortunately because I wish she wasn’t going through what she is going through not because Clomid is such a horrible experience) and I have been in two minds as to whether I should share this, I don’t want my experiences to influence her thoughts or perceptions.  Everyone reacts to things differently. For me it was a roller-coaster of out of control emotions and one I can look back at and laugh and cringe all at the same time, sometimes I wonder how I haven’t been served divorce papers yet! I hope if someone is going through something similar with out of control emotions they will read this and find comfort in the fact you will pop out the other side and life will still be as you left it and you will be smiling.

I will be the 1st to admit I can at times have a short little fuse, I thought I had anger issues until I experienced Clomid. WOW! My h-band will back me up on this, I was a total head case. I would be as sweet as pie one minute and totally flying off the handle the next, slamming doors, crying hysterically thinking the world was ending. And you know that old ‘I know I’m being ridiculous but I cant stop myself’ situation, where you get even more angry and upset with yourself because you cant control it, yep that was me. The anger that built up in me from no where was scary, hence my nick name Hulk. My husband and I would use it as code, every cycle when I could feel the green in me starting to breakthrough my clothing I would simply say “hulks coming” he knew to take cover for a couple of days. I also used a picture of the Hulk as my screen saver on my phone so every time I looked at it I mindfully kept myself in check (that was actually a really helpful tool). I would cry literally over spilt milk. I remember one time I found myself sitting outside in the rain balling my eyes out in my PJ’s, I cant even tell you why or what it was about. If anyone had have happened upon me in that instance I think I would have been swiftly relocated to somewhere with padded walls and locked doors. Thank god I have the ability to laugh at myself!

Although this lack of control on my emotions was from my option the worst part it wasn’t the only down fall of this treatment. One morning (clearly not during a hulk episode) my h-band kindly pointed out that “perhaps I should make a trip to the shop and get something to sort that mo out” after laughing hysterically and pretending that I couldn’t give too hoots I ran and looked in the mirror and sure enough there it was, a shadow hovering above my top lip, great!

There are physical side effects but they are reasonably minor and don’t hang around for too long, Clomid basically makes you fat, sore, hot and not able to sleep. But the whole fat thing is purely just bloating and its away in a few days, generally at the same time as the lack of emotional control disappears so life starts to look manageable again.

Everyone would have different experiences on this treatment and whilst I’m glad I don’t have to take it anymore I’m shitting myself for what will happen if I get to the IVF stage and all the drugs they throw into you, I may have to build an underground bunker to hide in for a week or so, i’m not sure anyone will be safe otherwise!