two lines

It was Friday morning and here I was sitting at my desk at work balling my eyes out (thankfully in the office alone), for absolutely no reason, I was just emotional. I sat there thinking, what on earth is wrong with me. I back tracked through my week. On the Friday week prior I had cramping and spotting telling me AF is on her way, on Wednesday night I couldn’t even finish my glass of red wine while I struggled to eat my curry, at boot camp that morning I didn’t know whether I was going to pass out or vomit and AF hadn’t fully come to the party.

I left the office on a work errand and before you know it I found myself in a random chemist pulling a pregnancy test off the shelf, something in me made me do this however I can tell you not one part of my conscience self actually thought pregnancy was a possibility. We had had a 3rd miscarriage about 2 months prior while we were on our fertility holiday, it was early and my body got rid of it naturally so it was, believe it or not, a slightly positive experience, it meant my body was working as it should when it wasn’t really working as it should if you know what I mean.

I came back to work and did the test, 2 lines! These lines were different to any double line I had ever seen with my previous 3 pregnancies, these lines were bright, thick, instant and dark. I was absolutely stunned, I knew not to get excited by these things but this one did have me in a little bit of shock. I called my husband who was also at work. Now had I have actually thought I would get this result I would have waited and taken the test at home. He was equally stunned, I hadn’t even said anything about how I was feeling so he had no clue at all! We ended the conversation with “oh well guess we will just see what happens”. The most part of me expected to start bleeding over the weekend and miscarry so I left calling my specialist until the following week if there had been no change.

The weekend passed, my back was killing me, my boobs were sore and all spotting had stopped. I called our Fertility Clinic. I was still well aware of the fact this could end in miscarriage at any time and as we were so close to our IVF I was concerned if they knew we had conceived (even if we miscarried) we would be taken of the list for Public Funding. I called the nurse and asked the hypothetical question, “if we got pregnant and miscarried would we still stay on the schedule for IVF” she said absolutely, due to my history I wouldn’t get removed from the list until / if we hit the 2nd trimester. So I told them, I was pregnant.

Blood tests confirmed a healthy pregnancy, there was no jumping for joy in our house but there was definitely optimism. Knowing we still had IVF up our sleeve made this process so much more bearable. Dr Awesome had been away doing Aid work (does he get any more awesome), so we hadn’t spoken to him. One Tuesday night at around 9pm we get a call, it was him. He had looked though my notes as soon as he returned and saw my pregnancy. He had me straight into his office that next day for a scan, we must have been 6 weeks.

It was not long after this I started bleeding, heavily and passing tissue. The 1st time this happened we were on our annual girls weekend. I can tell you I shut that party down pretty quickly. I was convinced I was miscarrying and I’m pretty sure it was the general feeling among the group. I went home that Sunday afternoon, feeling sick to my stomach to tell my husband the baby was no more, we cried and we were angry. When the bleeding started I had contacted Dr Awesome and he had scheduled me for bloods that Monday, low and behold bloods showed a healthy reading and baby was okay. I bleed from week six to around week nine which I now know is a common happening in post AS pregnancies. Not long after that we saw the little heart beat. The 1st time we saw a heart beat was just the most amazing feeling, we had never seen a heart beat, just a lifeless sack. We feel instantly in love, I wanted to protect this little blob with all my life. Dr Awesome saw us every week  during the 1st trimester giving us scans each time and all at no charge, which I can tell you was an absolute life saver for keeping my anxiety levels at a manageable level!

When we were 10 weeks pregnant Dr Awesome passed my care over to an obstetrician who he entrusted with his own daughters, I cried as I hugged him. I was so happy to be leaving his office and start visiting another however I was so sad to leave his care, I had found so much safety in him and he was a friend. In a really nice way I hope like hell I never have to see him on a medical level again!

So here I sit with my belly punching into my desk and an alien like force kicking me from inside out, we are 25 weeks pregnant. I am still full of hesitation (hence why I have not posted this earlier), I am still very weary of getting ahead of myself. I take non of this for granted, and I’m shitting myself it will all end in pain. But its all part of it, I have so far had an uncomplicated pregnancy (aside from the very early scares). Our Obstetrician says if this 2nd half is as good as the 1st we are doing well. I cant even express how grateful and thankful we are to be in this position. We were weeks away from starting IVF! My h-band and I often look at each other and just say “how the hell, is this really happening”.

The fear of loosing this pregnancy brings with it irrational anxiety. During pregnancy your body changes, there are always new aches and pains and feelings, and with each one comes total over analyzing, ‘what’s that, somethings wrong, what does this mean, why do I feel that’. Don’t get me wrong, I know the importance of staying calm and rested for this baby. I’m not rocking in a corner or pacing the lounge at night I just think into things a little too much. I think its a natural response being what we have been through to get here but ill be glad when we are holding our little Butterbean safe and sound in our arms.

We have so many people to thank for being in this situation, mainly Dr Awesome of course but for me my husband, for his patience and never faltering support, he is a gem and I know some men would have struggled with everything we have been through. He never stopped making me laugh and he never stopped loving me……. lets hope the same can be said after a week of no sleep lol.